A rabbit one day managed to break
free from the laboratory where he had been born and
brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the
compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw
the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow,
this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he
came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a
wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free
and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and
I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped
over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so
good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there?
It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat
them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next
hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were
wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you
do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in
it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as
good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is
there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the
other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
"There's one other thing you must try. You see those
rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of
the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing
his little heart out until, completely knackered, he
staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic,"
he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one
of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I
can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit
surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the
laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Deep within a forest, a little
turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he
reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front
legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he
slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the
ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple
of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she
chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
The class assignment in
composition was to write about something unusual that
happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to
read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he
all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He
stopped yelling for help yesterday."
A man went to his doctor seeking
help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor
was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so
recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of
aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one
of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up
your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it
back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't
tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't
dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated
cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three
weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to
be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such
as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I
was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.
"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I
don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep
at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
A man in a bar sees a friend at a
table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he
comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My
mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the
friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July,"
the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me
$50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two
parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and
left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in
three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..."
continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"
A woman walks up to an old man
sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but
notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your
secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a
day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never,
ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she
said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
One day, a man walks into a
dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to
extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist
says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't
there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you
don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to
$60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too
expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on
anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of
pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope,"
moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the
dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my
students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to
$10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next
Tuesday!"
One afternoon, a man was riding in
the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating
grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating
grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for
food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me
then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But
sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them
along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other
man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the
second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all
climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a
vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor
fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man
replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is
about three feet tall and I could use the help!"
A blind man was traveling in his
private jet when he detected something was wrong. He
made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his
pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started
calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and
asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help
me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying
upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do
you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down
my back!"
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